Hello Friends, Ive decide that I am going to continue this “thoughts and things” blog here because I enjoyed the behind the scenes sharing of my life.

I felt pretty

The entire thrifted outfit. I got the top on a trip with my daughter. My sister thrifted the skirt and gave it to me. The shoes too, were thrifted last year. Don’t even ask me why I wore the white toes socks lol

I returned to my desk at the church this week after a month on sabbatical.

I slid back into my duties and tasks easily. I don’t have issues with tasking and getting things done. I have an issue with a particular automatic behavior and things that come out of my mouth.

I will come back to that…

Scrutinize

Over the past month the Lord spoke to me a bit about scrutinizing in #7 Sabbatical thoughts and things. So let’s look at it a little more.

to look at things, words, and actions to find what’s behind.

My definition of scrutinize off the top of my head

The way I have found scrutinizing automatically operating in me is not like clarity. It is rather more like “to catch what’s underneath.” What’s the reasoning behind something? What do I need to be aware of that is likely to catch me off guard.

(I am thinking in my mind about how I had to learn this as a kid to be ready for what a volatile person in my life might be thinking or doing so that I could keep myself safe.)

Here is the interesting thing about this word: SCRUTINIZE

What I think that word means is not exactly what that word means (it is close and near but not hitting the mark) and that is why we have to be willing to look at what God is talking to us about and not just move on. He is always teaching, training, showing, and restoring. But we have a part to play. It is played through attention and abiding with the Lord, the One who give understanding, wisdom, and revelation.

The root meaning of that word SCRUTINIZE is Latin scruta which means trash, rag, rubbish. In the verb form it is to physically sort old, broken, and worthless trash. It later became a word to mean careful inquiry, searching, or examination as in to inspect something with intense detail and precision. When I was talking to my daughter about this, she said, “OH, so the word scrutinize doesn’t mean something negative, but people use the word as negative.”

My definition gives it “the operation at use” in me. So, scrutinizing gives me a way, that I learned long ago as a kid, on how to stay safe. It is directly tied to trust for me. From one side of my parenting, I learned how to scrutinize and from the other side I learned why I need to be scrutinizing.

Here is the kicker, I am not a kid anymore. I am not living in an unsafe environment. I don’t work in an unsafe environment. But there are times and spaces I still operate in my soul as if I do. Some would call it overthinking, over analyzing, or something similar. But the revelation, the automatic response I got to the question asked to me in my #7 blog was the word: Scrutinize

So back to my first day after sabbatical. My pastor has a box of books in his office that he mentioned that he is supposed to go through.

LOOK AT THAT SENTENCE …. a box of books to go through…

My response was to dig in and find out why he said it the way he did, I inferred meaning to it, I made a statement of definitive reasoning as to why, and I in a sideways-half-joking way wrapped judgement into his character with my “sideways” comments. OVER A COMMENT ABOUT A BOX OF BOOKS! After it was over, within 5 minutes or so, I got up and apologized to him. He was very gracious of course.

Honestly, I would rather work out my little lessons with just Jesus, but He likes to let us see for ourselves after He gives us revelation so that we can understand it. And this church, this team, these people, this pastor, is safe.

For me scrutinizing comes from a deep need to know what’s coming so that I can stay safe because I never knew what one of the people who lived in my house was going to do, say, or react like. This created in me trust issues.

In 1 Thessalonians, it talks about how Paul recalled how the church of Thessalonians labor was motivated by love. I felt the Spirit on that when I read it, and a sensed a desire in my heart to let my words be motivated by love, rather than fear. It says:

² We always thank God for all of you, making mention of you constantly in our prayers. ³ We recall, in the presence of our God and Father, your work produced by faith, your labor motivated by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

It was as if He was giving me a prescription for my issue of scrutinizing. Love is more than just affection. It is a labor, an exhausting toil. It is a willingness to expend itself for the good of others, even at personal cost. Love reaches outward and toward others. For me, to let go of scrutinizing I must allow love.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, by human cunning with cleverness in the techniques of deceit. ¹⁵ But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building itself up in love by the proper working of each individual part.

Ephesians 4:14-16

So, I sense God is asking me to practice sweet and loving words, and these words help repair my hearts trust issues. (I am now thinking about how the main thing I got from the entire psalms series was seeing how often “trust in the Lord is better.”) Practicing…

I’ve practiced scrutinizing (even if unconsciously) and for me has breed a type of negative seeing through fears lens the enemy formed in my perception from a very small child. But because I am in such healthy arenas of life at home, work, church. It has nowhere to go so the habit kicks sideways on stupid little things and tries to stir up dust.

Practicing loving speech repairs my ability to trust. How?

Pleasant words are a honeycomb: sweet to the taste and health to the body.

Proverbs 16:24

As I pondered, I noticed how honeycomb which is the hexagonal structure bees make to hold the honey. It is non-toxic, digestible, and has a good use. It is much like trustworthiness. Because both require an orderly structure to protect what is valuable. Both are built over time. Both are uncompromising and pure inside and out.

I want to be like honeycomb to people. Trustworthy.

“Whoever is faithful (trustworthy) in very little is also faithful (trustworthy) in much, and whoever is unrighteous in very little is also unrighteous in much.”

Luke 16:10

People look for problems, but God isn’t looking for the problem. He is the solution to problems!

Look to the Lord! Lift your eyes friends. He is good!

Thanks for listening,

Starla