My testimony

 By all rights and worldly standards, I should be a MESS and I am…. just not like I thought.

I Am:

A Jesus-girl -who- gives- it -all -to- Him- just- to- survive -the-madness-kind-of- mess!

Here’s my SHOULD HAVE ENDED ME, MADE ME CRAWLED IN A HOLE, NEVER TO SHOW MY FACE AGAIN, INSECURE, TROUBLED GIRL BAGGAGE:

My Parents split up when I was 10 – love issues.

At age 13 I found out that my Dad wasn’t my real Dad.  After my parents split up I couldn’t figure out why my Dad treated me the way he did. I snooped and searched for clues, letters or something. I found a false bottom to a drawer with my passport and birth certificate I had never seen before. There was a name of a man I had never heard of where my fathers name should have been    – insecurity issues.

I don’t know my real dad and have still to this day never met him.  –rejection issues.

I was held by knife point in my room by an unknown assailant.  He ran when I screamed after I had figured out he was going to take me out of my house. – fear issues.

The results:

mental, emotional, and identity issues – all experienced before I was 14 years old –to cope I chose sex, drugs, and manipulation to feel loved, safe and worthy.

And then Grace came…..At age 18 I began to inquire within my heart & mind about this God who people said was real. I asked, “God, are you real?” I figured, what could it hurt? I had messed up my life doing it all on my own away. So, why not try God?

God drew me to Iowa….. (lured me with one of the few people I have always known loved me) My sister moved to Iowa and was going to have a baby, so I came out from California. I hopped on bus with 20 bucks to my name in search of a new life. 

I woke up one morning 2 weeks later and had a deep desire to go to church. I got dressed, walked a couple blocks to a little church that was down the road. I sat in the back and prayed. I prayed the best I knew how, which wasn’t very good, but I knew I had to try.  I was looking for LOVE. I asked God for a man, who would love me for me and never leave me.

(The only kind of love I knew of that I hadn’t experienced) 

Thankfully God knew how impatient I was to get my way back then and I had met my husband later that very same day. I knew when I saw him, that he was the one. Something in me leaped inside. What I didn’t know was he was a Jesus -Guy who was busy doing his own thing!

That was June 22, 1997.

It would be June, summer of 1998 when I was 2 months shy of giving birth to my daughter that I would call out to God again. I was scared and worried that I would somehow mess this little girl up.  I began to pray the best I knew how again and said…

God, I don’t want the life I had for my child help me to be a good mom!! 

Later that same week I saw a TV commercial for a little free book about Jesus. I called and the book came a week later. I found the bible that was given to me by a sweet lady for Christmas back in California. I read along in the book and looked up the verses to what later I would learn was called the Romans Road. I remember reading the verse in Romans 10:9 “if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I sat back and said out loud “ IT’s THAT EASY!?” and I heard God say, “Yes.” I took a deep breath and I believed in God’s word that day.

I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior!

Am I a mess??? Sure I am!!

But I am ok and on my way!

I am FULLY LOVED, WHOLELY ACCEPTED, SECURE IN MY FATHERS HANDS, AND SAFE IN HIS ARMS.

I still battle fear, fight to feel secure, at times feel rejected, and long to be love but I know where to go when I feel this way. The fear and insecurity may hold me for a time but like the bibles says:

2 Corinthians 4:8-10We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

I will suffer in this life but He has overcome!!

I choose to be Fearless, Faithful and always Moving Forward.May my MOSAIC of a LIFE be given for all Glory to God to whom it is due!!!

Starla Smith

11 Comments Add yours

  1. vimax says:

    Just wanted to say your Blog is in my rss you got a way with words.. Cheers,
    xyxytodwhy.2011

    Like

  2. starla says:

    lol..oh so glad that I tagged : IOWA
    Thank you for stopping by here…
    yes I married a iowan boy :0)

    Like

  3. DM says:

    Came across your blog via your tag of “Iowa” I’m also a believer…(besides being a blogger and have strong ties w/ Germany. Loved your story of how you and your husband met.

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  4. starla says:

    Nice to meet you!!

    Like

  5. ReadersHeaven says:

    Hi, nice to meet you !

    Like

  6. starla says:

    YES…Glory to God is right!!! Thanks for checking out this here blog!! :0) So glad that I can share with you.

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  7. Lauren Walker Battaglia says:

    All glory be to God…only the mistakes have been mine. You are on a very enriching path. Finding peace and acceptance of who you really are is the most important thing you can pursue in life. Once you have your own inner peace it will radiate out to all those you touch.

    Like

  8. starla says:

    Hi…thanks for stopping by here. Thank you. :0)

    Like

  9. jenvaldez says:

    Hi Starla! We used to go to school together and I just started looking up some old friends and found you. WOW! What a great life you have made for yourself. I always new you’d do good :o) I am raising two daughters and trying really hard to leave my life path up to Him and to make a happy life for me and my girls. I want to order your book and hope that you will have some words of wisdom for me ;o) Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Jen

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  10. starla says:

    Thank you Jill for coming over and stoppin’ by!!! :0)
    Thank you for your encouaging words I really appreciate it. It truely is my hearts desire to see God do great things in peoples lives and being able to share what He has done in me only gives Him all the glory …more of HIm…more to Him!!!

    Like

  11. Jill says:

    Hi Starla,
    I came over via the Rise and Shine blog and have enjoyed my visit!!! Thank you so much for sharing your words on the blog and putting your heart on paper (here and your book)! God will use these words, your stories, YOU to touch others! Blessings to you!! I hope to see you in Oct.!! In Him, Jill

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