By all rights and worldly standards, I should be a mess, and I am, just not like I thought. I am a Jesus girl who gave it all to Him to survive the madness kind of mess! This is my should have ended me, made me crawl into a hole, never show my face again, insecure, troubled girl baggage story. My parents split up when I was 10 – love issues. After my parents split up, I had a hard time understanding why my dad treated me the way he did. I snooped and searched for clues, letters, or something. I found a false bottom in a drawer with my passport and birth certificate I had never seen before. I was 13. On this birth certificate was a name that I did not recognize. My dad was not my dad. – insecurity issues.
To this very day, I still don’t know who my real father is. – rejection issues.
When I was 16, I was held at knifepoint in my room by an unknown assailant. When I screamed after I had figured out he was going to take me out of my house. He ran. – fear issues.
The results: I developed mental, emotional, and identity issues – and to cope I chose sex, drugs, and manipulation to feel loved, safe and worthy.
Then Grace came: At age 18, I began to inquire within my heart & mind about this God who people said was real. I began to ask the question, “God, are you real?” I figured, what could it hurt? I had already messed up my life doing it all on my own away. So, why not try God?
God drew me to Iowa (lured me with one of the few people I have always known loved me) when my sister called me. She had moved to Iowa and was going to have a baby, so I came out from California. I hopped on a bus with 20 bucks to my name in search of a new life.
I woke up one morning 2 weeks later and had a deep desire to go to church. I got dressed, walked a couple of blocks to a little church that was down the road. I sat in the back and prayed. I prayed the best I knew how, which was not very good, but I knew I had to try. I was looking for love. I asked God for a man who would love me for me and never leave me. Thankfully, God knew how impatient I was to get my way back then, and I had met my husband later that very same day. Something deep in my soul knew when I saw him that he was the one. I found out that he was a Jesus guy who was busy doing his own thing! He had grown up in the church but was currently out of the loop.
That was June 22, 1997. In June the summer of 1998, I was 2 months shy of giving birth to my daughter. It was then that I would call out to God again. I was scared and worried that I would somehow mess this little girl up. I began to pray the best I knew how and again, I prayed, “God, I don’t want the life I had experienced for my child, help me to be a good mom!“
Later that same week, I saw a TV commercial for a free book about Jesus. I called, and the book came a week later. I found the bible that was given to me by a sweet lady one Christmas back in California. I read along in the book and looked up the verses. Later I would learn these verses were called the Romans Road. I remember reading this verse in Romans 10:9 “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I sat back and said out loud, “ IT’S THAT EASY!?” and I heard God say for the first time say, “Yes.” I took a deep breath, and I believed what the word of God said that day. I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior!
Am I a mess??? Sure I am!!
But I am ok and on my way!
I AM FULLY LOVED, WHOLLY ACCEPTED, SECURE IN MY FATHERS HANDS, AND SAFE IN HIS ARMS.
I still battle fear, fight to feel secure, at times feel rejected, and long to be love, but I know where to go when I feel this way. The fear and insecurity that try to hold me crumble before God’s word.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
Sure living life is still hard, and I will suffer as I live it, but He has overcome it all for me! I choose to be Fearless, Faithful, Always Moving Forward. I pray that the MOSAIC of my LIFE will give Glory to God to whom it is due!!!