By all rights and worldly standards, I should be a MESS and I am…. just not like I thought.
A Jesus-girl -who- gives- it -all -to- Him- just- to- survive -the-madness-kind-of- mess!
Here’s my SHOULD HAVE ENDED ME, MADE ME CRAWLED IN A HOLE, NEVER TO SHOW MY FACE AGAIN, INSECURE, TROUBLED GIRL BAGGAGE:
My Parents split up when I was 10 – love issues.
At age 13 I found out that my Dad wasn’t my real Dad. After my parents split up I couldn’t figure out why my Dad treated me the way he did. I snooped and searched for clues, letters or something. I found a false bottom to a drawer with my passport and birth certificate I had never seen before. There was a name of a man I had never heard of where my fathers name should have been – insecurity issues.
I don’t know my real dad and have still to this day never met him. –rejection issues.
I was held by knife point in my room by an unknown assailant. He ran when I screamed after I had figured out he was going to take me out of my house. – fear issues.
mental, emotional, and identity issues – all experienced before I was 14 years old –to cope I chose sex, drugs, and manipulation to feel loved, safe and worthy.
And then Grace came…..At age 18 I began to inquire within my heart & mind about this God who people said was real. I asked, “God, are you real?” I figured, what could it hurt? I had messed up my life doing it all on my own away. So, why not try God?
God drew me to Iowa….. (lured me with one of the few people I have always known loved me) My sister moved to Iowa and was going to have a baby, so I came out from California. I hopped on bus with 20 bucks to my name in search of a new life.
I woke up one morning 2 weeks later and had a deep desire to go to church. I got dressed, walked a couple blocks to a little church that was down the road. I sat in the back and prayed. I prayed the best I knew how, which wasn’t very good, but I knew I had to try. I was looking for LOVE. I asked God for a man, who would love me for me and never leave me.
(The only kind of love I knew of that I hadn’t experienced)
Thankfully God knew how impatient I was to get my way back then and I had met my husband later that very same day. I knew when I saw him, that he was the one. Something in me leaped inside. What I didn’t know was he was a Jesus -Guy who was busy doing his own thing!
That was June 22, 1997.
It would be June, summer of 1998 when I was 2 months shy of giving birth to my daughter that I would call out to God again. I was scared and worried that I would somehow mess this little girl up. I began to pray the best I knew how again and said…
“God, I don’t want the life I had for my child help me to be a good mom!! “
Later that same week I saw a TV commercial for a little free book about Jesus. I called and the book came a week later. I found the bible that was given to me by a sweet lady for Christmas back in California. I read along in the book and looked up the verses to what later I would learn was called the Romans Road. I remember reading the verse in Romans 10:9 “if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I sat back and said out loud “ IT’s THAT EASY!?” and I heard God say, “Yes.” I took a deep breath and I believed in God’s word that day.
I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior!
Am I a mess??? Sure I am!!
But I am ok and on my way!
I am FULLY LOVED, WHOLELY ACCEPTED, SECURE IN MY FATHERS HANDS, AND SAFE IN HIS ARMS.
I still battle fear, fight to feel secure, at times feel rejected, and long to be love but I know where to go when I feel this way. The fear and insecurity may hold me for a time but like the bibles says:
2 Corinthians 4:8-10We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
I will suffer in this life but He has overcome!!
I choose to be Fearless, Faithful and always Moving Forward.May my MOSAIC of a LIFE be given for all Glory to God to whom it is due!!!