By all rights and worldly standards, I should be a MESS
and I am…. just not like I thought.
A Jesus-girl -who- gives-
it -all -to- Him- just- to-
survive -the-madness-kind-of- mess!
Here’s my SHOULD HAVE ENDED ME, CRAWLED IN A HOLE, NEVER SHOWN MY FACE, INSECURE, TROUBLED WOMEN baggage:
My Parents split up when I was 10 – I should have love issues …I did.
At age 13 I found out that my Dad wasn’t my real Dad. After my parents split I couldn’t figure out why my Dad treated me the way he did. I snooped and searched for clues, letters or something. Instead, I found a false bottom to a drawer with my passport and birth certificate I had never seen in it. There was a name of a man I had never heard of where my dad’s name should have been – I should have insecurity issues …I did.
I don’t know my real dad and have still to this day never met him. – I should have rejection issues ..I did.
I was held by knife point in my room by an unknown assailant. He ran when I screamed when I had figured out he was going to take me out of my house. – I should have fear issues …I did.
mental, emotional, identity issues – all experienced before 14 years old –to cope I chose sex, drugs, and manipulation to feel loved, safe and worthy.
And then Grace came…..At age 18 I began to inquire within my heart & mind about this God who people said was real. I asked, “God, are you real?” I figured what could it hurt. I had messed up my life doing it all on my own.
God drew me to Iowa….. (lured me with one of the few people I have always known loved me)
My sister moved to Iowa and was going to have a baby, so I came out from California -hopped a bus with 20 bucks to my name in search of a new life.
I woke up one morning 2 weeks later and had a deep desire to go to church. I got dressed, walked a couple blocks to a little church down the road. I sat in the back and prayed. I prayed the best I knew how. Which wasn’t very good but I knew I had to try. I was looking for LOVE. So, I asked God for a man, who would love me for me and never leave me. ( The only kind of love I knew of)
Thankfully God knew how impatient I was to get my way back then and I had met my husband later that very same day. I knew when I saw him, that he was the one. Something in me leaped inside. What I didn’t know was he was a Jesus -Guy who was busy doing his own thing! That was June 22, 1997.
It would be June, summer of 1998 when I was 2 months shy of giving birth to my daughter that I would call out to God again. I was scared and worried that I would somehow mess this little girl up. I began to pray the best I knew how again and said…
God, I don’t want the life I had for my child help me to be a good mom!!
Later that same week I saw a TV commercial for a little free book about Jesus. I called and the book came a week later. I found the bible that was given to me by a sweet lady for Christmas back in California. I read along in the book and looked up the verses to what later I would learn was the Romans Road. I remember getting to the verse in Romans 10:9 that said “ That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I sat back and said out loud “ IT’s THAT EASY!?” and I believed in God’s word that day.
I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior!
Am I a mess??? Sure I am!!
But I am ok and on my way!
I am FULLY LOVED, WHOLELY ACCEPTED, SECURE IN MY FATHERS HANDS, AND SAFE IN HIS ARMS.
I still battle fear, fight to feel secure, at times feel rejected, and long to be love…but I know where to go when I feel this way…and it may hold me for a time but like the bibles says
2 Corinthians 4:8-10We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
I will suffer in this life…but He has overcome!!
I choose to be Fearless, Faithful and moving Forward.
My husband and I serve in our Church on the worship team with our daughter who is our youth worship leader. We also now have a son who is 7 years old. I am an unlikely Youth Ministry leader and Council Woman in our church. God has blessed and is so amazing.
Life is always Good when God is in it.
What God can do with a life when you give it over to Him is simply unbelievable if I hadn’t been living it for the last 18 years.
May my MOSAIC of a LIFE be given for all Glory to God to whom it is due!!!