I woke up this morning at 3:38 am. What does one do when waking up at that time? Most say go back to bed. But 3:38 am is so close to 4am that it makes no sense to fall back to sleep so close to this time for me. I’ve been listening to a book called Wintering by Katherine May. She talks about this time of night that we sometimes wake into. It’s a space our mind is still sleepy enough that we are able to get around that part of our brain that catastrophizes what is on our minds and allows a space to process.
In fact, as I read many believers recognize as 3am. Known as the “hour of the watchman” in biblical traditions, 3am is often associated with heightened spiritual activity, a time to engage in deep, focused, and powerful prayers. These powerful 3am prayers are believed to be potent in breaking strongholds, seeking divine intervention, and connecting with God in an intimate and uninterrupted way.
Today, I find it interesting that I felt like I woke up to find something. I found that post above called “The odds and ends.” It is the only post I wrote in November of 2023. As I read, I recognized that today is November 22, 2024 – It is one year and 1 day since that post. I feel as if this post is the next step into the next for me.
Some things I want to notice:
- Apparently, I feel the same way when we move from summer to fall.
I wrote this from that 2023 post:
The worry of “what will other people think.” The old tapes of “you’re not smart enough.” The doubt hammering my confidence with “see you’ve made it this far by a fluke.” The notes of “loneliness and unloved” keep ringing and singing a sad, sad song. The whispers of ‘missing out on what you were really made for’ while hyper focusing on “this is not what I wanted” interrupts my being, doing, and living where I am.
It’s been really draining. I’ve been tired and sleeping. Crying and weeping. Waiting and frustrated. Depressed and procrastinating. Strangely enough, or by great blessing, all of my big projects are done for months ahead of time. It’s almost like my subconscious knew I was going to “TAKE THE DAY OFF” for a while.
If this is a seasonal shift change, and it happens each year. Perhaps I could become more aware of that. The longer I live, the more I understand that we live in cycles. I see it because I journal it. And each year, same or similar come to me at the same time of year. I am blessed to see it. To see this. Because I’ve been taking what is happening in my life, in circumstances at face value. I hadn’t seen this before.
I took a moment to also look back to 2022 – I wrote a 4-part series called The Unraveling. In it I wrote, “to even be in a tangle, will cause us to do (much of what I have done) turn inward, become frustrated, isolate, wallowing in some self-pity and don’t forget the unhappy turn of accusation, “this is not fair!” Much of the same feelings from 2023 and how I have felt in 2024.
So then, now I am wondering, for all my looking outward at circumstances to explain why I have been feeling what I have been feeling – it is not for nothing, but also not exactly what I need to see. At one point in my post “The odds and ends” I say this, “It’s not easy for me to process emotions. They feel like the swamp of sadness that Artax (Atreyu’s horse) got stuck and died in, from the movie The Neverending Story.” I giggled when I read it because just yesterday, I said, “I am so tired of living in the nothing.” This I said in reference to the movie about boy named Bastian who reads a book about a land called Fantasia that is under attack from a mysterious force called The Nothing. In the story Atreyu, a warrior is tasked by the Empress of Fantasia to discover what The Nothing is and how to defeat it.
As I’ve been reading through the series of “The Unraveling” I found this I had quoted from Mid- November (yeah same month) of 2020:
“I sense a lot of shake-ups coming. Little shifts and changes that will pinpoint and reveal the hearts of people. It will be a tough season coming but if you will persevere it is going to be so good. It’s going to look and feel difficult but the Father wants to bring forth the growth and fruit of the seeds of the last season that were planted. It’s a time of pushing up through the darkness and the hard ground.”
Starla Smith
and then I wrote: “The hearts of men are certainly being revealed: What is the Lord showing you? If we learn it, its going to be so good! Don’t give up when something doesn’t go the way you thought it was going too – persevere! Don’t hide away when it feels hard – persevere! Don’t run when to going gets tough – persevere! Know the season you are in – its time to push up and through some hard ground. As the Lord shows us what is in the way, let Him move it. We have work to do! This gives me hope…. I am where He said I would be.”
So, this 2024 is no different. We are in another layer of what is underneath the ground that God desires to bring the fruit from past sowing.
Our God is so good to do the work!!! God starts unpacking you, untangling you, and undoing the old you so that the new you can be brought forth.
In part 4 of “The Untangling” I start talking about Elijah – In 1 Kings, Elijah had gotten to a place after such struggle and battle with even some victories where he said “I’ve had enough, Lord!” He hid himself in a cave just like we will emotionally, mentally, and physically hole up in our houses, turn off the ringer, silence the notifications, and hide away from life. We do this when fear comes knocking on our hearts and doubts start to fill our minds. Isolation and self-pity come. Elijah wanted to escape just as we often long to escape. Elijah moved from brave faith to fearful flight. He had become entangled. Why? His focus shifted.
FOCUS- SHIFTED
I had a moment the other day where I barfed all my emotionalness on my pastor. He just listened and I was grateful. The next day after I was now back “online” so to speak. I thanked him for listening and apologized for flailing about and barfing on him. He of course was gracious and amongst other things he said in reflection, he also said, “you seemed, what’s the word? Untethered.”
Now that is interesting, especially since now that I went back and read in this series called “The Unraveling” because in part 4 I also said, “Do we forget that God is there and sends us consolation when we are entangled? Somehow circumstances cause us to forget that we do not have to worry about tomorrow because God is already there. When did I forget that God is sovereign and everything, I go through is for His glory and my goodness. Without that understanding and truth – I flounder in my life – I’ve forgotten that joy is at the end of that tether. The tether of My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty there is nothing my God cannot do. He is sovereign and joy comes when I know that even in the hard and crusty parts of life – He is God, and I am not. In remembering, I remember that He is good! That is who He is. A good, good Father.”
Can God write the story or what!?
I don’t know about you but when life is really hard, I am a terrible interpreter of my situation. God is the writer and creator of the entire story. He uses everything. Nothing is wasted. I am busy trying to codify my experience into boxes that make sense to me. And to quote that part 4 again, “when life is really hard do you find quiet or do you find noise?” Noise is distraction. Any distraction. Quiet allows us to actually hear the mental chatter, acknowledge what we are actually thinking and feeling, then tell it to Shhhhhh before the King of heaven and earth. Why does is need to shhhhh? Because that mental chatter is continually trying to figure it out, to seek, to know, and understand the meaning of what is happening without God’s view. That is definition of vanity. It’s all vain glory and it wrings us right out of any joy because it only holds vexation – more disappointment and sorrow. Only God who is good is able to give us light in our eyes to see the grace and goodness of what He is doing. Only God gives joy in the middle of the mess.“
So FOCUS SHIFT…
Whenever the Lord shows me His hand like this, I am always in awe of what He is doing and what He has done. This time around, in this cycle, I can now see – I have been searching for how to reorder and fix what I find frustrating at home. My son in law’s father called to tell me a dream yesterday. Over the years, I have learned that His dreams are often prophetic and have great significance. He said that I was on top of a truck trying to tie with ropes an extremely large camper to the truck. He cautioned me that this would not work and would end in disaster. He said, “you need a hitch.” He left to get one but when he returned, others had come to help with straps. Again, he cautioned that this would not work and would end in disaster.
I looked up these words:
ROPE: strands that are twisted or braided together into a larger and stronger form.
STRAPS: a narrow flat strip for securing, holding together, to support, also to bind.
HITCH: a piece that fastens to, to move, to connect (a vehicle or implement) with a source of motive power
So…. perhaps I am not to use my own understanding of tangles that have been straightened out and strung together like rope. I am not even to use the straps from others to try to gain some kind of security or support. But rather I need the hitch of the Spirit of God to be able to move forward.
Father, I repent of my pride. Thinking I know what is going on and happening in my life. Leaning on my own understanding and trusting in the “knowing” and “support” of others. I thank you for revealing how my focus has shifted. I thank you for untangling. I thank you for good support. But Lord you are my only hope. You alone have what I need. Spirit of God come teach me how to hitch to You in this season. Shift my focus, from myself, my frustrations, and my fears to Your goodness, Your will, and Your way. Help me Lord. Who have I in heaven but You? Who is able to show me the way but You? I life my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth. Amen.
Thanks for Listening,
Starla
Sunday2Monday 