I am going to share my inner world, with how God speaks to me. Using books, quotes, imagination, definitions, linking words and pictures connecting them to prayer, the bible and everyday life. He is always speaking….

So I have been walking through lent in a non conventional way…

This e- book : Irrational Joy

Nothing seem to be really stirring then on Day 33 God reveals to me why I took this journey of lent I write in my journal:

The action I have chosen is to be brave and not swallow hard my heart. In a reflection I was told that I auto bury my feelings, in an effort to stop that…perhaps I burst them upon those around me. They would not be use to that and trepidation would follow since when this happens it tend to feel like a volcano.

A few days later …

I’d had an argument with my husband and after a space of silence I walked in while my husband was making dinner and said “ So without bossing or nagging, can I ask if  there is anything that I can help you with?” He said no ….but the words I’d said cut my soul in bits. I walked away so disturbed by what I said. I hadn’t been bossy , nor had I been a nag. I had a quick thought about it that I posted on Facebook :

“ In an effort to ” be a civil person” do you throw yourself under the bus, taking the blame, the shame, the pain to try and fix and remain in an insane cycle?”

When I was going to come and sit with the King. I kept hearing the word MANSARD. I thought to myself “what in the world does mansard mean?”I looked up the root meaning and next to it was the word peace.

peace: the freedom from civil disorder

…my words came flying back: In an effort to be civil

I have come to the conclusion that I have wanted peace even if I have to manufacture civil-ness to get it.

Now back to Mansard … Mansard is type of roof   characterized by two slopes on each of its sides with the lower slope, punctured by dormer windows, at a steeper angle than the upper. This part of the house is called the garret.

So I just keep following the trail that God is painting….

Garret: The attic, the watchtower, the safety. Derived from the words defend and protect like a garrison

A STRONGHOLD

–I was starting to get the idea that …this throwing me under the bus…  has to do with something to do with an enemy within me to destroy me…

So then I’m praying and asking God to help me understand what He is telling me, my eyes tight closed, waiting on Him. I see words and numbers in my mind. I see like a sign on the wall:

PSALM 12

As  I read, verse 2 stands out…They speak idly everyone with his neighbor; With flattering lips and a double heart they speak.

I’m thinking – OH God are you saying I’m a flatterer with a double heart??

He says – easy child… when you lie about yourself ( bossy, nagging) you flatter another, making them seem right and good by putting yourself down. It creates in you a double heart. It is the breaking of the law of diverse weights.

At this point I am like …WHAT!? So I look it up:

Leviticus 19:35 You shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in length, in weight, or in measure.

Prov. 20:10 Diverse weights and diverse measures, They are both alike, an abomination to the Lord.

Diverse weight otherwise known as to shortchange. Shortchanging a customer in weight or measure, even mere possession of defective weights or measures, is a punishable offense — and a moral failing.

Shortchanging:

to give less than the correct change to.

to deal with unfairly or dishonestly, especially to cheat.

I shortchanged myself , I create unrighteousness then – I successfully behave and speak different than what I am in truth. I give myself a double heart.

verse 3-4 also stand out…the tongue that speaks proud things,Who have said, “With our tongue we will prevail; Our lips are our own; Who is lord over us?”

Trying to protect, defend or talk me or anyone else into

“ CIVIL ” living without dealing with the truth of the hurts, anger, pain or anything for that matter is to be DOUBLE hearted, proud and walking out a false peace.

It is basically saying: 

WITH MY TONGUE I WILL PREVAIL! Who is Lord over me?

I allow the enemy to use my tongue to FAKE peace, never really resolving deep hurts and anger. Successfully keeping the enemy in charge of the Mansard.

TODAY I KICKED HIM OUT!!!

Jesus, thank you for your revelation and clarity.

I trust you to take over the garrison!

LORD BE MY STRONGHOLD

MY FORTRESS, MY STRONG TOWER!!

Step by step Lord , Day by Day

keep me aware of Your presence and Love!

-starla

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