Fear locks honesty away and lets distortion in. – Starla Smith
I sat talking with myself and that quote above came from that conversation within.
We all have an inner child. I started this conversation because I can see when this child in me acts up. It kind of behaves like my two year old and at other times my 12 year old…and lots of child like ways in between. I wanted to understand what goes on inside and do something about it. So I dug a little deeper.
I noticed some things while pondering how this child has behaved in my life. ( past and present)
Here are some of my findings:
There are times when I feel so small, like a kid…lost for words because I dont know what to say or how to say what I am thinking and feeling.
Sometimes I dont speak up and I get the feeling like I am left standing there with the idea that “children should be seen and not heard” …and so I silence myself…it is like this child is reasoning in my head ” I dont want to make you mad, sad, hurt!” and so I fail to speak my thoughts. Listening to what this child has been told ” if you cant say anything nice then dont say anything at all.” And because I feared that I will not be nice if I say something, I let all those moments pass when they were important to me. Then I become furiously angry with myself for acting like a baby!! One who has no voice!!! Just cries and begs for someone to get it, to understand, to hear me.
There are times I am as curious as a kid in search of knowledge…but I dont want to be seen as a child (I want to seem more grown up) I dont want to be one who doesnt know … so I pretend to be grown, all knowing, I pretend I am wearing a hat and it says “I have arrived” …and sometimes my foolish mind believes it. I leave with questions unanswered. Walking away knowing I missed an opportunity to learn, grow and understand the world and those around me.
And the times when I want to be seen ” look at me, look at me!!” like a child calling out to her parents. I beg and seek for attention….feeling like if I am not seen or heard than I simply am … a no-one , a nothing….invisible.
All these things are but views and avenues of FEAR….that pass through the mind — Locking the honesty…the expression of TRUTH away …and DISTORTION becomes a way of life. Until you shine a light on the darkness and begin to see what is…
*The truth is I dont know what to say in certain situations …do any of us always know the perfect words all the time?
Maybe saying nothing and praying instead is the perfected response. God knows the answers.
*There are times I know what I think, feel, want, need and I am the best knower of my own self…so are you!
If we take the time to look within and stop ourselves from becoming so distracted by everything…we can find balance.
*I can’t make everyone happy all the time, but I do know that I can be at peace if I let myself be who I am wrapped in God’s kindness and goodness. I can say what needs to be said without killing people with my words and sometimes that requires letting go of the outcome, forgiving what you think you see, and loving the other person enough to be honest.
*No one knows what I need unless I tell them….
Expecting something, assuming people are going to do certain things never works for adults like it does for newborns. Sometime we act like kids still under our parents care…they just took care of our needs and we think people know. They dont you have to tell them
*Asking questions when you dont know may just be the smartest thing I have ever learned.
This speaks for itself …takes care of lots of issues.
*Those who want to see me will! Those who love me, do! There is one who always does — God the Father!
When you can see yourself also…that truly is a gift that keeps giving!!
Distortion only comes when you let fear have your truth….
So what did I learn from this convo with my inner child??
I learned that when I see her rising in my situations and conversations it is time to remember her face, is a cue that I may be about to let the distortion in! That it is time to press in and reveal my inner honesty and innocence given to me by Christ.(child like faith in God.)
Then he touched their eyes and said, According to your faith let it be done to you;
We either walk in fear and distortion or we walk in Faith and TRUTH (honesty) – its our choice.
Thanks for listening…