Heart Check #2

In Heart Check #1, I wrote “Why does the hook and sinker to what “seems like” my pride start with attention, from you?” I was talking about my readers. But as I have continued to ponder and through a series of events, I came to look at pride and then also humility a bit deeper. I also wrote: “Humility sits down when pride raises itself up.”

I have encountered pride and a space in me that doesn’t want to sit down. It is tied to a place when I was very small. To a vow that I made long ago. A promise to myself that when I encounter anyone or anything that tries to change that little ME’s mind – She stands up. And today I found a word for that little girl’s stance. It isn’t a new word. It is used a lot in connection with the word pride. It is fierce.

Your fierceness has deceived you, The pride of your heart…

Jeremiah 49:16

Do you know what the word fierce means? It’s not great. You know that place in you that stiffens its neck, lifts it chin, straightens its back, curls its lip, and declares strongly whatever it has to say with the intention that it hit its target like a throat strike. A throat strike is a self-defense move.

 It’s a great technique to use if you want to end a fight or gain enough time to incapacitate your attacker and get out of there as quickly as possible.

Code Red Defense

Now imagine that as an emotional self-defense move where you cut off the air of the opponent before they can make another move or even get a word out. Yeah. That! This is what happens to anyone that tries to change my mind about this trigger. I cause them to freeze, go silent, and even change the topic to more comfortable conversation, or leave.

What I found really interesting is a lot of the words that are similar to fierce are negative:

• ferocious
• savage
• vicious
• wild
• feral
• untamed

and also, these:

• powerful
• strong
• violent
• forceful
• bitter

Is it safe to say that with this listing that even powerful and strong are not meant to lean positive?

There is something in me that when triggered with this particular little girl hurt that goes cold as ice, savagely uncaring, non-compassionate and ends up in a more bitter place – an encrusted deep stronghold than before. Have you ever had God so gently whisper to you that He wants that place now? I’ve been through multiple layers of this particular hurt over the last 20 years. God is gentle and humble of heart. He doesn’t drag our pain out in the open for all to see. He compassionately carries us into the light. So that we can be healed. I’ve gone from captive, to cared for, to free from, loved by, to unfazed by, to now God asking me for the point of pain and the trigger at the root of bitterness. It’s time to give up the hook and sinker that drowns me.

This is the place where desire for attention was birthed,
to when I was #rejected the first time I can remember.
The place where my heart was broken and dismissed
and I clamored for years to be seen, to be known, to be loved.

This is the place where I put myself in harm’s way to get it. #abuse
This is the place where to let it go brings #fear of allowing it again to happen.

This is the place where the enemy has convinced me
that standing up on the inside and being fierce with #pride is the right thing to do.

But clearly His Word says it isn’t….

Humble yourselves; Sit down…

Jeremiah 13:18

so, I humble myself and sit down.
Sit down in honesty
Sit down in truth
Sit down in repentance…
Sit down in the hurt
Sit down in the pain
Sit down and let God be my defender now.

Pray for me, I want to go through…

Thanks for Listening,
Starla