Some of the great stories of our lives start with tragedy and end with overcoming in some way whether it be by God’s intervention, a human hero, or we climbed a great feat to claim victory. Recently I spoke at church about the rocks of remembrance in our lives. These stories are the places where steps have been given to us to overcome. They become the next great lesson or struggle that we walk through. Over the last few days, I’ve been struggling to get out of my head. The hardest thing to do is to speak about something and live it. I usually live the message before I give it and I have in a lot of ways, as the message was much about looking back at what God has done, at the places where He has helped us to keep moving forward in faith, knowing that He is right here with us, and we will make it.

But for multiple days since, I have been in a real battle.

All the old foes have come for a visit. The worry of “what will other people think.” The old tapes of “you’re not smart enough.” The doubt hammering my confidence with “see you’ve made it this far by a fluke.” The notes of “loneliness and unloved” keep ringing and singing a sad, sad song. The whispers of ‘missing out on what you were really made for’ while hyper focusing on “this is not what I wanted” interrupts my being, doing, and living where I am.

It’s been really draining. I’ve been tired and sleeping. Crying and weeping. Waiting and frustrated. Depressed and procrastinating. Strangely enough, or by great blessing, all of my big projects are done for months ahead of time. It’s almost like my subconscious knew I was going to ” TAKE THE DAY OFF” for a while.

As I have sat down into this sense and feeling, some things have caught my eye and caused me to ponder. I relate the most to the type 1 according to the enneagram personality types and I saw something the other day that was like a lightbulb turning on. It said, “what kind of anxiety does each type hide from?”

Type 1 was CHAOS. No doubt in my mind that this is true.

I’ve been hiding from Chaos my whole life.

Chaos is behavior so unpredictable that it appears to be random. It also means confusion, mixture, disarray, disorder, mess.

These are all things that I will quickly run away from. These things drive me nuts. I once heard Flylady (an organization guru) say that Choas means “can’t have anyone over syndrome.” Why? Because the house is in a perpetual mess. It’s Chaos.

Chaos to me are the things that make no sense or things that have multiple and conflicting right answers or ways of being. Gray frustrates me. It’s messy. It doesn’t have clear lines. It is like a cloudy, murky, muddled pool of everyone having their own shade of gray along with the gradient shades from light to dark.

To me, this is what happens when two people experience the same thing but see different things in it and interpret them differently. But in today’s world – two people with two different ways of seeing – isn’t seen as beauty. It’s taken as affront or needing to defend. <— there is no curiosity as to why this view might be taken and that to me is also chaos. Even as I am saying all this, I can sense behind my words how I also see that gray can be beautiful and even I think outside of light and dark, right and wrong, good or bad boxes that are made. So much nuance, so much possible chaos. And yet…

My grandparents created mosaics in their backyard. Perfectly beautiful, good pottery and glass fitly created, were broken and smashed to create beautifully placed together masterpieces with all the parts. It’s art. Art that speaks of how even the broken, marred, and seemingly messy can be put together in a beautiful tapestry.

Someone I love was telling me about how she was cleaning a terrible mess and as she was removing the things from the space to clear the room so that it could be cleaned properly, someone else was getting upset because the things were out. In their view she was making mess. It seems that they too most likely struggle with chaos. But it is also clear that in order for chaos to be remediated there must be an allowance of chaos before order can come.

Where is the space, I’ve slipped into? It feels very vague yet heavy with mounds of emotion. Like at any moment I might spill over into tears for which I’ve carried a dry cup for years! But lately has been splashing over with sadness, hurt, I don’t understand it, and what is happening. All my attempts to write it out have frustrated me. Where am I? Where is this? What is this?

Sometimes you just have to allow the odds and ends of yourself to fall out. Even if it is an inconvenience. Ya, I know. I can hear it now, “Starla, your emotions are not an inconvenience.” Well, let me tell you they come at the most random times. HA. Like Chaos. It’s not easy for me to process emotions. They feel like the swamp of sadness that Artax got stuck and died in, from the movie The Neverending Story.

But recently I saw a video about somatic exercise. Somatic means relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind. Did you know there is a place in your shoulder that holds sadness? Run your finger along the underside of your collarbone to your shoulder until it stops in that tender spot connected to the shoulder. Then add a second finger and massage that spot. It feels tight and really sore. When I did it my eyes welled up with tears and I felt an emotional release without all the mental drama. I am not a crier. But I did cry. And that was nice.

Anyway, if you think of me. Just say a little prayer. I need it. Growing through is the only way. So as my motto says, “FEARLESS, FAITHFUL, FORWARD!”

Thanks for Listening,

Starla