By all rights and worldly standards, I should be a mess, and I am, just not like I thought. I am a Jesus girl, who gave it all to Him, to survive the madness,- kind of mess! This is my should have ended me, made me crawl into a hole, never show my face again, insecure, troubled girl – baggage story.
My parents split up when I was 10 – love issues. All my life I had a hard time understanding why my dad treated me the way he did. After they split up and a letter came by mail that was address to the guardian of Starla. It was a paternity test request notice. My mind took a wild turn and I began to snooped and searched for clues, letters, or something. I found a false bottom in a drawer with my passport and birth certificate. I had never seen it before. I was 13. This birth certificate was marked with a name that I did not recognize. That is when I found out that my dad was not my dad. – insecurity issues.
To this very day, I still don’t know who my real father is. – rejection issues.
When I was 16, I was held at knife point in my room by an unknown assailant. He got me up out of my bed, moving me closer and closer to the door. I screamed after I had figured out he was going to take me out of my house. He ran. – fear issues.
The results: I developed mental, emotional, and identity issues – and to cope I chose sex, drugs, and manipulation to feel loved, safe and worthy.
Then Grace came: At the age of 18, I began to inquire within my heart & mind about this God, who people said, was real. I began to ask the question, “God, are you real? If you are real, you have to get me out of here.” I figured, what could it hurt? I had already messed up my life, trying to do life all on my own away. So, why not try God? Right?
God drew me to Iowa, more like lured me there with one of the few people I have always known loved me, my sister. She called me. She had moved to Iowa and was going to have a baby, so I came out from California. I sold all I had and hopped on a bus with 20 bucks to my name.
,I woke up one morning 2 weeks later, with a deep desire to go to church. I got dressed, walked a couple of blocks, to a little church that was down the road. I sat in the back and prayed. I prayed the best that I knew how, which was not very good, but I knew I had to try. I was looking for love. I asked God for a man who would love me for me and never leave me. God can even use young, broken girl, prayers. Thankfully, God knew how impatient I was to get my way back then, and I met my husband later that very same day. Something deep in my soul knew when I saw him that he was the one. I found out that he was a Jesus guy, who was busy doing his own thing! He had grown up in the church but was currently out of the loop.
That was June 22, 1997. In June the summer of 1998, I was 2 months shy of giving birth to my daughter. It was then that I would call out to God again. I was scared and worried that I would somehow mess this little girl up. I began to pray the best I knew how and again, I prayed, “God, if you are real I need help. I don’t want the life I had experienced for my child, help me to be a good mom!“
Later that same week, I saw a TV commercial for a free book about Jesus. I called the number and the book came a week later. I found a bible that was given to me by a sweet lady for Christmas back when I lived in California. I read along in the book and looked up the verses. Later I would learn these verses were called the Romans Road. I remember the moment vividly when I read this verse in Romans 10:9 “if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” I sat back and said out loud, “ IT’S THAT EASY!?” and I heard God say for the first time say, “Yes. It is that easy.” I took a deep breath, and I believed what the word of God said that day. I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior!
Am I a mess??? Sure I am!!
But I am ok and on my way!
I AM FULLY LOVED, WHOLLY ACCEPTED, SECURE IN MY FATHERS HANDS, AND SAFE IN HIS ARMS.
I still battle fear, fight to feel secure, at times feel rejected, and long to be love, but I know where to go when I feel this way. The fear and insecurity that try to hold me crumble before God’s word.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
Sure, living life is still hard, and I will suffer as I live it. Let’s face it – life is hard, but Jesus has overcome it all for me! I choose to be Fearless, Faithful, Always Moving Forward. I pray that the mosiac of my life will give Glory to God to whom it is due!!! Do you know Him today?